Jerry Lewis Spy Android Backfires

Figure 1: Pictured; the U.S. Government’s robotic engineers tests lubricants on the Jerry Lewis android while running diagnostics on his main computer system located in his upper torso.

Need a Spy? Send in the Clown!
What is the easiest way to sneak a spy into a foreign country? Not to sneak at all. High profile celebrities have the best chance of working their way in and if they get caught, most likely no harm will come to them. A beloved celebrity would be safe from harm and hard to prosecute because of their beloved status all over the world. Perhaps this sounds a little too close to a movie like TOP SECRET where an American Rock star is involved in espionage.  National Exposer is starting to wonder if TOP SECRET was inspired.

It isn’t common knowledge that back in the 1940’s Jerry Lewis was the American star turned spy. There was, however, a little twist in that story. Simply put, he is an android from the 1940’s. His sole purpose was to infiltrate German forces from a French launching point. First, let us cover the android development.

Nutty Professor Creates Nutty Professor
The U.S. was nervous about German activity in and near France during World War II. A scientist by the name of Dr. Jerry Frankman, working with the government, devised a plan that shocked U.S. intelligence. He proposed the U.S. send an android to do a man’s job. The plan was to send a flawlessly realistic android over enemy lines. If he was captured, it would be no loss of manpower but a great experiment in human android realism. If an American android could fool military personnel in a foreign country it would be a leap forward in robotics. Dr. Frankman was given the go ahead. They figured he would fail at the attempt and they could exploit any advancement in robotics which may come out of it. By the end of 1944 Dr. Frankman was finished. National Exposer’s staff is stumped how Frankman could technologically pull this off. However, there is clear evidence of cybernetic research as far back as the 1940s. We also suspect that the government had access to technologies well beyond their day (as they do now). Perhaps the technology was part of  the research the U.S. government continued later that decade. We know of a similarly advanced experiments in aeronautics was attempted in the last 1940s. We have evidence of an experimental craft crashing at Roswell in 1947 which may have spurred advancement, but that’s another story.

And You Thought Inspector Gadget was funny.
The first demonstration of his android creation did not go well. In front of several high level military personnel the android was activated. At first Frankman’s creation worked wonderfully mimicking human personality, facial expression, walking and talking. Then in a literal puff of smoke Frankman’s creation fell to the floor but swiftly recovered as if nothing happened. His face would twist into humorous facial expressions then restore to normal. His voice would sound high pitched as you would imagine a squirrel would sound if squirrels could talk but then immediately revert to normal. Eyes would cross then look straight again. The military audience laughed and chortled at the spectacle. Soon Dr. Frankman realized they were laughing as if entertained, not laughing at his failure. This low brow humor appealed to these up tight army men. The “great idea” light bulb hanging over Dr. Frankman’s head must have blinded every person in the room that day. They could send his creation as a comedy act entertaining the French. Since the android needs no sleep he could spy during the night and perform for the French during the day (or vice versa).

This left only one last thought to form in Dr. Jerry Frankman’s brain, what should his name be?  At that moment one of the military officers cried out, “Hey Jerry, his screw is loose.” In excited delirium that sentence translated in Dr. Frankman’s mind as “Hey it’s Jerry Lewis.” That was the perfect name. And so Jerry Lewis was born.

Bring out the Backfiring Squad!
The U.S. intelligence changed the plan slightly. They agreed that he should be sent as an entertainer for the French. The U.S. was convinced the French, who are very particular about art and entertainment, would immediately throw him to the Germans having contempt of the low brow humor. The Germans would then imprison him as America’s beloved entertainer, happy to have such a hot commodity. The android could then escape and spy for the U.S. in German territory.

U.S. intelligence immediately started hyping Jerry Lewis as America’s next up and coming comedic entertainer. They billed Jerry Lewis as the next Charlie Chaplin. Audiences were hired to laugh hysterically at his performances. American critics received government funded pay off to give him rave reviews. When word made it to France that Jerry Lewis was coming to visit, they stood ready to shoot down the American Pig entertainer with due cruelty. As some of you well know, harsh criticism was not what happened. Jerry Lewis was loved by all in France. He was escalated to super stardom. 1945 came and went. Germany was defeated. Jerry Lewis was never shipped off to the Germans by flabbergasted French folk. They loved him. The spy subroutine in his programming would not trigger because the catalyst or cue for him to start spying never happened. He was not rejected by the French so he was not taken prisoner by Germany.

Clowns Come Home
When President Truman and other high up government officials heard that U.S. intelligence had sent such a top rate performer to France they demanded that this fine young man be brought back to the U.S. How do you explain to President Truman that he has been duped by an android Jerry Lewis, who was never meant to be a “top rate performer?” You don’t. You cover your tracks in true government form. A secret committee was assembled to make Jerry Lewis’ life “real” from that moment to present day and all the way back to his “birth.” Apparently this was an easier task than imagined. Because of all the love and support Jerry Lewis received as an entertainer he had achieved sentience of sorts. After World War II secret military technology advanced faster than ever which made it possible to update Jerry into a cyborg. This allowed him to live as a true human male. As time progressed Jerry married and started a family. The Jerry Lewis android turned cyborg moved on to entertain millions. The movie industry embraced him in films like The Nutty Professor in which he directed and starred. Most notably is Jerry Lewis’ charity work and involvement fighting Muscular Dystrophy (Jerry’s Kids). This is definitely a Pinocchio story with a very happy ending.

To this day Jerry Lewis appears to age with the rest of us however he doesn’t seem to slow down as others do. He laughs with us and we laugh at him. It was once quoted. “Despite all this hectic activity, Jerry gives the appearance of being ageless. Six feet in height (184cm), around 170 lb. (77kg), hazel eyes and black hair.”

Ageless, indeed.